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  Somewhere in the living room, Calden’s phone rang.

  Cursing under his breath, Eli grabbed his car keys and went out. He drove down the street where Calden had run, but soon he had to start guessing. Without knowing where in the city Calden had been running to, Eli didn’t think he had much of a chance of finding him, but he kept driving. What else could he do?

  (next chronological chapter)

  September 5th

  Calden needs a little while to find the small shop. It’s been years since he accompanied Riley to get a tattoo, but he suspects he’s been here fairly recently. After all, this is the only tattoo parlor he knows of, and if it was his first thought today, it must have been the first when he had his arm done.

  As soon as he walks in, his suspicions are confirmed. Leon looks up from the work he’s doing on a young woman’s arm and smiles when he sees Calden.

  “Hey, nice to see you again, Doc. Have a seat. I’m almost done with this young lady, and the matching one on her friend won’t take very long.”

  The last is said with a nod to the man sitting on the low couch by the window. He’s currently looking at the woman under the tattoo gun with a rather bored expression. It clearly wasn’t his idea to come here.

  “Matching tattoos?” Calden says dryly as he sits near the man. “How lovely. How many ration tickets would it take to convince you to delay yours?”

  The man turns a startled look to Calden. “What?”

  “Ration tickets,” Calden repeats, drawing his wallet from his pocket and pulling a few colorful pieces of paper from it. “Would you rather have a few extra meals or a new tattoo?”

  The man’s eyes flick from the tickets to the girl and back. She’s heard Calden’s offer, and judging from her frown when she lifts her head to look at them, she’s not happy.

  “You’ve got to be kidding,” she says with a snort. “Joe, tell him you’re not interested.”

  But Joe is looking at those tickets as though he can already see what they’ll procure. Calden mentioned meals, but with a bit of bartering, they could buy anything from new clothes for him and his girlfriend to a month’s rent to a ticket out of town and to a safer city—not that there really is any such place, these days; demons have been appearing everywhere on Earth, even if no one knows where they come from. When Joe absently licks his lips, Calden pulls two more tickets from his wallet. It clinches the deal, and Joe stands, his palm out.

  “What are you doing?” the girl asks, shocked. She sits upright abruptly, and Leon swears under his breath as he hurries to lift the tattoo gun away from her.

  “Look how much he’s giving me!” Joe says, waving the tickets toward her. “I can always get my tattoo done later, but I can’t pass this up!”

  Two minutes later, the girl has stormed off even though her tattoo isn’t finished, her soon to be ex-boyfriend running after her. Leon, the tattoo gun still in hand, stares at the door as it closes behind them, then glares at Calden.

  “What the hell, man?” he says, setting the gun down and pulling his gloves off with a grimace of disgust. “She didn’t even pay me, and now I’ve lost her fee and the boyfriend’s.”

  “Then charge me for all three tattoos,” Calden says, emptying his wallet of all the ration stubs in there and whatever cash he has on top of it. “I don’t care about that. I just care about you doing it now and quickly.”

  He really doesn’t care that he’s overpaying. The hospital pays him well—or at least, he supposes it still pays well—and he never needed the money anyway.

  Leon mutters a little more, but in the end he gives Calden the paper and marker he asks for, and starts cleaning up his station and resetting it for Calden’s tattoo. The curved blade of his artificial leg clanks against the floor with each step, just loudly enough to convey his displeasure.

  Calden’s hand shakes a little when he writes the first word: Eli. He can’t help but wonder how much time they’ve missed. First Calden was too scared to even try to tell Eli how he felt, then the one person who’d been encouraging him to tell him died and Calden fell apart rather spectacularly, then Eli met someone, got engaged, married the idiot, and finally Calden’s memory complicated everything…

  Although… Would they be here today with their confessions finally voiced if Calden hadn’t needed someone to live with him and Eli hadn’t agreed to be that someone? His amnesia is the most terrifying thing that ever happened to Calden except perhaps for losing Riley, but in a way it brought him and Eli together.

  And Calden never wants to forget that. He needs not to forget that.

  “Where are we putting this one, then?” Leon asks as he takes the paper Calden is handing him. His eyebrows shoot up when he reads the two lines, and he turns a teasing grin to Calden. “Eli, huh? That’s the guy who came with you last time, isn’t it?”

  Ignoring the second question, Calden answers the first instead. He first thought his right arm would work, a matching set to the left, but the words are for him, not anyone else, and he doesn’t need nurses or other doctors gawping when he’s wearing short-sleeved scrubs. And the fact that he’ll end up with Eli’s name inked across his heart, well, that’s entirely coincidental, not at all some kind of sentimental act.

  Or at least, that’s what he’s prepared to say should anyone ask.

  “On my chest,” he says briskly, already shrugging out of his jacket. “And I need you to reverse the words, so they can be read in a mirror.”

  After a brief moment of confusion, Leon’s face lights up in understanding. His eyes flit toward Calden’s arm. “Oh, like in that movie, right? The one with the guy who loses his memory all the time?”

  That’s a rather startlingly accurate description of Calden’s condition, enough so that it gives him pause. After a second, he shakes his head.

  “No idea. Like I said, I’m in a hurry, so if we could get to it?”

  It takes Leon over two hours to tattoo nine words. Calden suspects he’s taking his time because he’s annoyed Calden wouldn’t let him do some elaborate script or add embellishments. Calden tried explaining that either of these things would make him doubt the truth of the words and that they have to be in his handwriting with nothing else added or there’s no point to having the words tattooed on him, but Leon just doesn’t seem to understand. Still, grumbling or not, he does as he is asked, and when Calden finally takes a look at himself in the mirror, he knows this will work.

  Night has fallen by the time he gets out. He walks home. When he enters the house, he finds Eli pacing through the living room, his phone in hand. He freezes when he sees Calden.

  Then he explodes.

  “Where the hell have you been? It’s been three hours, Calden! Do you have any idea how worried I was? You left your phone here, you idiot! Your mother has people all over town looking for you!”

  Calden blinks. It never occurred to him Eli might be worried.

  “I just—”

  “And right after I told you… that,” Eli continues before Calden can explain. His cheeks are a little pinker suddenly. “What was I supposed to think?”

  More than worried, then. Scared that his revelation was not welcome. Time to reassure him.

  “Call Lana,” Calden says, stepping into the living room.

  Eli shakes his head.

  “Call Lana?” he repeats. “Is that all you have to say to me?”

  A smile is trying to push its way to Calden’s lips. He holds it down and answers as deadpan as he can manage, “Well, I intend to keep you busy for the rest of the night, so I thought you might want to let my mother call back her hounds. That’ll probably also ensure she doesn’t show up here and interrupt us.”

  He’s kicked off his shoes as he talked and is now taking off his jacket. Eli blinks at him repeatedly, mouth hanging open. When Calden starts undoing the top button of his shirt, it seems that a jolt of electricity passes through Eli. His call to Lana takes all of five seconds—“He’s back, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”—and then he
turns the phone off but doesn’t come any closer. Calden goes to him, continuing to unbutton his shirt.

  “There’s something I want to show you,” Calden says, and a smile quirks Eli’s lips.

  “Yeah, it certainly looks like it. You don’t think you’re going a bit fast here? Just because… we don’t have to do anything, you know.”

  It’s not quite clear whom Eli is trying to convince, Calden or himself. Regardless, Calden finishes unbuttoning his shirt and takes it off, throwing it on the sofa. He’s just two steps in front of Eli, who is staring at his bandaged chest. Calden lifts the gauze just enough to show him the words, wincing a bit when the tape pulls at fine hair.

  “That’s where I went,” he says quietly. “I needed to get it done today. I can’t forget this happened. For information as important as this—” He points at the words on his arm. “—I shouldn’t question it whenever I have to relearn it.”

  Eli reaches out with a trembling hand and, with the lightest of fingers, brushes a caress under the second line.

  “It’s not exactly true, you know,” he says with a half smile. He pauses just long enough for Calden’s heart to feel like it just stopped, then goes on and reads. “‘Eli loves me. I told Eli I love him.’ First part is true. But you didn’t actually say it.”

  “Of course I…”

  Calden’s voice trails off when he realizes that, no, he didn’t. He implied it, certainly, trying to get Eli to say it first, intending to return the words right after him. But then… then the thought of forgetting this simple, beautiful truth chased every other consideration from his mind, and he all but ran away.

  No wonder Eli was upset.

  “Well, I do,” he says, and his words come out strangely rough. “And if you worry about forgetting too, you can just look at my chest.”

  Eli lets out a quiet laugh. His eyes are bright when they glance down then back up to meet Calden’s again.

  “Not that I mind looking at you, but hearing it would be nice, too, you know.”

  He pulls the gauze up back over the tattoo, pressing his thumb along the tape to make it stick. His hand drops lower until it rests, loose and warm, on Calden’s waist, just above his pants. His thumb starts drawing small circles there, and each touch raises goose bumps over Calden’s body.

  “I,” Calden starts. He clears his throat. “Surely I don’t need to actually say it. They’re just words. I could show you instead.”

  He steps closer to Eli, leans in to find his mouth, but Eli stops him, angling his head down and pressing their foreheads together instead.

  “They’re just words,” Eli repeats with a small grin. “Right. Words so inconsequential that you ran off and had them inked permanently into your skin. Don’t tell me the great Calden Hayes is scared of saying three little words.”

  “I’m not scared,” Calden says, maybe a little too fast. “I just…” His voice drops to a murmur. “I’ve never said it. Not to anyone.”

  Which is technically not entirely true; he said it to Riley, to their grandparents, even his father on his death bed or his mother when he was very small, but he doubts it’d count in Eli’s eyes. The situation is admittedly rather different.

  “First time for everything,” Eli says, his grin softening. “Your turn. Fair is fair.”

  He’s not wrong. And it’s not like this is anything new to Calden; he came to terms with it and accepted it some time ago, even imagining that he might say it to Eli, maybe, some day. He never had time for relationships. The hospital was his life. It still is, to some degree. But Eli long ago made a place for himself in Calden’s heart, even if Calden tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.

  And there is Eli right here in front of Calden, still waiting, still smiling, still hoping. Calden takes a deep breath and throws himself into the unknown.

  “Eli, I… I love—”

  He never gets to finish. Eli cups his face with both hands and crashes their mouths together. It’s a harsh kiss, full of teeth and tongues and bruised lips and muffled whimpers that absolutely do not come from Calden, and if he wraps his arms around Eli, it’s to pull him closer, not because he’s suddenly lightheaded.

  Calden has never been all that interested in kissing; it was never a part of sex for him. Whenever he found a warm body to satisfy a mutual need over the years, kissing was the one thing he didn’t do. And besides, in the past few years, taking care of his needs on his own was always more expedient than entrusting them to anyone else.

  It takes but one kiss from Eli to make Calden revise his thinking. Kissing Eli might quickly become his favorite thing. Calden almost regrets having left earlier without kissing him first. If he had, there surely would be a third line on his chest right now. I must kiss Eli often.

  He never knew a kiss could be like this, overwhelming and breathtaking and so intimate that he feels he’s baring every last inch of who he is for Eli to see. With anyone else, it would be unbearable. But it’s not anyone else. This is Eli. And that fact keeps echoing through Calden’s mind, filling him with warmth and need. Without thinking, he shifts his hips forward, grinds his erection against Eli’s thigh, thrilled when he feels his interest returned with a matching hard length pressing against him.

  Eli pulls back and breaks the kiss. He’s panting—they both are—and for a few seconds they just stare at each other.

  “Maybe…” Eli licks his lips. “Maybe we should slow down a bit.”

  “Why?”

  The question seems to stump Eli for a few seconds.

  “Because… because this is going awfully fast?”

  “We’ve lived together since June,” Calden points out. Entirely of their own accord, his fingers are tugging Eli’s shirt out of his jeans. “Wasn’t that slow enough?”

  Eli laughs quietly. “Entirely different circumstances.”

  “Really? Even the nurses thought we were a couple.”

  “Yes, but we weren’t, and now we are, and forgive me but I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that.”

  He’s only half joking, Calden realizes. Eli admitted to his romantic attachment, and there’s no doubt he’s physically attracted to Calden, but it’s still new, maybe even a little frightening—just as it is for Calden, if for different reasons.

  “I’m going to forget, Eli.” The words come out in a rush. Calden didn’t mean to say this, but Eli needs to understand it’s more than impatience or animal lust pushing him. “This—” He touches the gauze on his own chest. “—will help me remember, but it won’t be the same as it was today. I’ll relearn it every time, but you’ll already know. It won’t be new for you anymore. Today is the one time when we get to be on the same footing.”

  “Which also means,” Eli says with a small smile, “that you get to have an infinite number of first times, and I only get one. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not rush through it. Especially when you’ve been up for over fifty hours and are long overdue for a good night of sleep.”

  Calden has to roll his eyes at that. “We agreed I can have up to four days.”

  “No.” Eli’s fingers rest on Calden’s shoulders, and he makes him turn, then nudges him toward the staircase, keeping his hand at the small of his back. “We agreed you can have four days if you’re needed at the hospital and if you don’t have hallucinations or paranoia symptoms. Off to bed you go.”

  Calden lets himself be guided toward his bedroom. As long as Eli is coming along, he doesn’t mind going there.

  “You can’t force me to sleep,” he says, glancing back. “But you could help tire me out. We don’t have to fuck. We could still get off another way. Or we can fuck if that’s what you want. I assume they tested me for everything under the sun back in June, and knowing you, you’re clean as a whistle.”

  Eli’s hand falls away. Calden looks back, questioning. Shaking his head, Eli smiles wryly.

  “You really know how to sweet talk someone,” he says, tongue in cheek. “How could I ever resist? Oh, wait. All I have to
do is be sensible. Come in here.”

  He steps into the bathroom. Curious, Calden follows. After washing his hands, Eli removes the gauze and proceeds to very gently wash the new tattoo on Calden’s chest before he pats it dry and covers it again with a fresh patch of gauze.

  “Bedtime,” he says then, not quite meeting Calden’s eyes. “You need sleep.”

  Calden takes hold of Eli’s wrist and tugs him across the hall and into the bedroom. Under his fingertips, Eli’s pulse confirms what his dilated pupils and the flush in his cheeks are already making clear. As much as he’s protesting, he does want this as much as Calden does.

  When Calden leans in close, Eli’s breath comes out in a little gasp. Calden whispers against Eli’s ear, “Come to bed with me.”

  He doesn’t wait for an answer and removes his pants and underwear before slipping between the sheets. For a few seconds, Eli only stares at him, and Calden can practically hear the cogs turning in his mind about whether they’re going too fast or not and whether Calden’s supposed need for sleep should be a factor.

  Whatever answer he comes up with, he’s soon tugging his shirt over his head. His shoes, trousers and socks come off too, but he’s still wearing his boxers over a very noticeable bulge when he climbs into bed.

  “You’re impossible,” he mutters as he slides in close to Calden so that they lie on their sides next to each other, and brings their mouths together.

  Whatever Calden was going to respond entirely slips his mind as Eli’s tongue finds his again. If he had any doubt that the first kiss was a statistical error, the outlier to unsatisfying experiences, this second one confirms that it was anything but.

  Eli lays a hand on Calden’s cheek, then slides it to the back of his head, fingers tangling in his hair and drawing him a little closer, a little harder against Eli’s mouth. Calden groans. Just two points of contact, mouth and hand, and already sparks of electricity are shooting through him, sensations coursing down his spine and to the tip of his prick.